ILLUMINATE THE DARKNESS

Don't focus solely on what's bad.
Seek ways to be open and receptive to what's good.

I spent over 20 years in advertising, yet I watch TV judiciously these days. When I do watch, I often see people all over the world rushing around trying to stay ahead of the darkness that seems to lurk in all corners of their lives. The latest televised demons being the potential war with Iraq, terrorism, a sputtering economy, rising medical costs, corporate greed, new rounds of layoffs, and, just in time for the holidays, depleted supplies of the most popular gifts. And if those weren't scary enough, there are always the ever-present demons of loneliness, lack, limitation, disease, old age and death.

What I see are people everywhere looking at life and screaming NOOOOOOOOO! "There is so much resentment and resistance to life. In all nations, it's like a plague that's gotten out of control and is poisoning the atmosphere of the world," writes Pema Chodrun, the American Buddhist nun, in her book When Things Fall Apart. Pema wrote that statement back in the 90's. Imagine how she might describe people today!

Now I don't deny that these ARE difficult times, but I've come to the even more frightening realization that Pema is also correct when she states that "the most difficult times are the ones we give ourselves."

WE CREATE OUR OWN FEAR.
When faced with situations that cause disappointment, embarrassment, shame, jealousy, and other forms of intense emotional suffering; our tendency, at least mine, has been to fight or flee. In emotionally charged scenarios, I can become immersed in self-doubt. In fact, I actually stumbled across Pema's book at the time when I was falling into the abyss and was grasping for a handhold.

In an emotionally charged situation where I feel threatened in some way, I immediately look for some way to protect myself. I think, "DO something!" It is not automatic that I first STOP and just be. In retrospect, my initial reactions often seem dramatic and pointless.

WHEN WE LIVE IN FEAR WE MISS LIFE'S PRECIOUS MOMENTS.
When we're feeling under attack and we're desperately trying to escape the darkness, we miss opportunities to experience healing moments of joy, happiness and thankfulness. Worse, our racing minds and hyper-anxiety blocks our ability to be tender, kind and compassionate towards those we love.

BUYING INTO OUR FEAR DAMAGES OUR HEALTH.
Buying into our fears causes terrible harm to ourselves. In fact, according to Dr. Alice Domar author of Healing Mind, Healthy Woman, "Daily stressors take a toll on our minds and bodies. On-going fight-or-flight overstimulates the heart and weakens the immune system." She further states that, "By one estimate Americans experience 50 fight-or-flight episodes a day." And she links the prevalence of fight-or-flight with our culture's information explosion. Dr. Domar feels many of these daily bursts of tension may come from our being overexposed and oversensitive to media's endless demons. "Our highly evolved brains allow us to interpret complex information regarding events that might be dangerous only in the distant future." Turns out our nervous systems are not terribly accurate at distinguishing between physical and psychological threats. We can feel just as anxious, threatened and stressed by what we imagine might happen to us as what IS happening to us.

The GOOD news is that the reverse is also true. And in this fact, I see a potential new route for us to take ourselves back into the light!

Let me explain. If we do not distinguish the difference between an actual experience and an imagined one, we have the power within ourselves to lift the veil of darkness and uncover the light contained in our own imagination, perceptions and expectations. We can determine what is true for us. We can see things differently. Goethe said it best, "The highest and most excellent thing in man is formless, and we should guard against giving it shape in anything less than noble dress." So we can use our imagination to create goodness in you lives.

But how do we go about doing this?

LET GO OF THE NEED TO CONTROL AND JUST BE.
To learn how to better handle whatever life had in store for me on all levels, I studied with NOLS, The National Outdoor Leadership School. Paul Petzoldt, NOLS' founder and an acclaimed mountaineer, gave me some advice that I NOW try to apply (although not literally) when things start to unravel in my life. He said that when he was confronted with a particularly scary, even life-threatening situation, the first thing he did was to STOP and have a cigarette.

Think about it. The time it takes to smoke a cigarette allowed him to clear his head, to see the full scope of the situation, consider his options, identify the best course of action, and then make his move.

Through my experiences at NOLS, my work at Fresh Tracks, and through my own experiences during difficult times, I have found that we can try our very best to be prepared for every known possibility, but that we are ultimately powerless in holding on to EVERYTHING we have today. We need to become better at letting go of control because there is no escape from loss and change, only an opportunity to learn to adapt.

Here's how. When you feel fear or anxiety rising, STOP and breathe. Take a moment to decide whether your fear is grounded or ungrounded. If it is ungrounded, let it go. If it is grounded, decide whether it is likely or unlikely. If it is unlikely, let it go for now. If it is likely, decide whether it is immediate or distant. If it is distant, let it go, but begin to prepare and plan how you'll deal with it. If it is immediate, THAT'S WHEN you'll need to face it.

FACE OUR FEARS.
Life is not for the faint of heart. So to me, real courage comes when we come to a spot on our life path and can't seem to locate any reference points. At these times, we begin to feel a sense of enormous vulnerability and panic. Those with courage stay right where they are and face their fear. They step out on the edge facing the unknown. Knowing not what lies ahead, they summon the courage to act as if they are explorers or astronauts drawn to discover what's waiting "out there." And they let go -- sometimes figuratively, sometimes literally -- and take a step into the unknown.

To actually let go requires trust, faith and wisdom. Trust that we are part of a greater whole. Faith in ourselves, but also in a universe that it will take us WHERE it must WHEN it must and HOW it must. Wisdom that every moment in our lives offers us an opportunity to learn and grow, and that whatever occurs next is neither the beginning nor the end.

For me to face my own fears, it helps to watch my son who has been on this earth less than 1,000 days and faces the unknown with glee. He's looked fear right in the eye and let go of my hands and tottered forward taking his first steps. He's climbed ladders five times his height completely out of my reach to then slide down and off the slide with a bounce and a hearty laugh. He's let me kiss him and go off to meetings accepting that I'll return. He's even shared his favorite toys from time to time.

LEARN FROM OUR FEARS.
We must realize we are not PERMANENTLY flawed. If we can view ourselves in a softer light, we can see we are all like little children -- on a moment to moment path of exploration and greater learning.

We need to STOP and just be with our fear. When I treat fear like a favorite college professor who has come back into my life, I feel humbled and even honored to be in fear's presence. By not moving to action, but reflecting back and observing the way I think, speak and behave, I discover unproductive patterns that were creating my fear. I then contemplate how this new knowledge might help me reveal my past ignorance; dissolve my old attitudes and beliefs; and replace them with new life-affirming truths and behaviors.

The energy in my body is palpable at these learning moments. I am more awake, more present. I can actually feel my heart, mind and perspective expand. The energy released at these moments drives me to take action on newly born, constructive ideas that I want expressed in my life.

When we don't take these opportunities to learn about ourselves, we never learn the truth about who we really are. We never learn to tame our fears and never develop to our full potential.

LOOK AT LIFE AND SAY YESSSSSSSS!
By allowing ourselves to learn from our fears, we change our consciousness and move in new, more positive directions. We can accept that most of our demons are inside our own heads.

So my wish for you is that you try to look at life this holiday season and say YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Feel blessed your life brings you so many opportunities to learn. Treasure today. Cherish this moment. And try to just flow into the next. Doing so will help you be fully present for those you love.

While there is no denying that we are experiencing difficult times, do not conform to today's mass mindset of hopelessness. Instead tonight, turn off the TV. Take your newfound time to just be for a few moments. Quietly wonder about these ideas and all that has happened to you today. You just might find that this opening brings with it the chance for you to recognize and receive previously unnoticed moments of joy that illuminate your darkness in these difficult times.

"We form a circle of hope.
We pass the flame to one another.
If my candle goes out, yours will light it.
Together we make a brighter light.
And each candle promises something of its own:
That darkness is not the last word."
- David McCauley

Please accept the flame of hope from me this holiday season and share it with those you love. And may the winter solstice bring us all closer to the light!

Happy, Happy Holidays!

®2002 Betsey Dalbeck, Fresh Tracks, Inc. All rights reserved.